Who said it? #7

"Unskinny bop"

yeah....go figure.

Who said it? #6

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" (yelled in absolute anguish).

Please note there are actually two acceptable answers.

Fire Insurance

I think I did something very bad. I was frustrated because there were toys everywhere and no decisions could be made without taking into account the whereabouts and condition of each of these various toys. So I told my kids what was really important--like the only thing you could take with you into the next life is your relationships and your knowledge. Everything else was going to burn up. So toys just aren’t that important.

So now my 5 year old wanders into my room stroking such precious items as his ragged purple bunny (a gift from his great-grandparents in Virginia) and climbs into bed beside me. With big fat tears running down his face he sniffles and in a small voice asks “When I’m resurrected will I ever see bunny again?”

I’m guessing that mentioning when he finally dies at around age 85 and is resurrected I highly doubt he’ll be looking around for “bunny”; rather he’ll be rejoicing that he has all his hair and teeth back—well that just isn’t going to cut it.

Why do I share this? So you can learn from me. Otherwise you’ll find yourself appeasing them with ridiculous comments like “well remember, you get to take your knowledge with you and all the people who made the toys will remember how to make them so you can just ask them to remake them and yes they’ll look exactly the same.” This also works when they ask about the house that was burned, and the car that was burned, and the clothes that were burned, and the bed that was burned…….

Who said it? #5

"If you don't eat yer meat, you can't have any pudding.
How can you have any pudding if you don't eat yer meat?"

Who said it? #4

"You frozen faced flatfoot...you stultified shrimp. Can I help it if you look like a mildewed donkey, you fish faced nincompoop? Good night."

(All spoken in dulcet tones while bowing graciously to an Italian Policeman who supposedly doesn't understand English)

Come on Charles! You know this one!

Rated PG-13

We just can’t seem to keep a family pet.

Two years ago Megan signed up to bring home a millipede from school for the summer. She researched how to care for it and built a home. It escaped and one of the boys later found it’s dried out carcass on the floor.

So this summer we went for pet #2. Jason was out doing yard work and he brought in a little fuzzy creature. It was distinctly colored – it looked just like those little droppings the birds leave on your windshield.



The family decided to adopt it and wanted to watch it turn into a beautiful butterfly.

But first our new family pet needed a name. A few suggestions were bandied around and the kids settled on …… Turd.

I know…I know! Kids! Just saying the name sounds ridiculous. But it gets worse: I’m sitting in my room minding my own business reading a book when I hear the door slam. Then I hear Andrew’s voice calling up the stairs. “Mom! Where’s Turd?! He escaped again!” It seems the intrepid little turd was climbing up the string of the window blinds. Later I heard Zach cooing to our family pet “You’re a good little turd. Yes you are!”

Sadly, Turd escaped one two many times and he was found not breathing. But do not fear. He received a burial in a most appropriate way. We flushed him down the toilet.

Who said it? #3

"I thought nothing could be as bad as red hair. Green is ten times worse!"