Yes that is a Twinkie

Sometimes I say things just to be funny and my kids take me completely seriously.

I brought home a box of twinkies from the store and the kids asked me what they were for. I told them they were decorations for the Chrsitmas tree. The next thing I know they are hung (evenly--not all in a clump) on the tree and then guarded zealously.

"Those are not to eat! They are for the Christmas Tree!"

Any suggestions on what I should bring home next?

Some dad's answer the door with a shotgun....

Megan and her friend Kristy like to go to the mall and try on clothes and perfumes. It takes them about 2 hours to get ready just to spend an hour at the mall. A few weekends ago I dropped them off and as I was driving away I had what I thought was a random thought about the girls talking to strangers.

As soon as I got home I texted Megan and reminded her not to talk to any strangers - and by strangers i meant anyone I hadn't met.

About two mintues later my phone rang. I guess the teenagers call this "butt dialing". I could hear them ordering food at dairy queen and then......I heard a male voice talking to them.

Good thing I live 3.7 minutes from the mall. I didn't hang up as I drove over to the mall and headed for dairy queen. (Your heart is no doubt racing about now and you are thinking that they were in danger). Turns out it was a 15 year old boy that was friends with Kristy and he is the number one chess player in the state. He shook my hand and offered to leave after I explained that Megan was too young to be hanging out with boys. I told him he didn't have to leave, I would just hang out with them as their chaperone. I texted Jason to let him know what was going on and he wanted to come chaperone too.



What you can't see is that he is wearing his FULL scout uniform. That includes the scout shorts and the scout socks (pulled up to his knees). He even brought a patch for this young man.

Just keeping it real...

The following conversation actually took place. The names have NOT been changed to protect the innocent.

Me: I heard that.
Megan: I didn't say anything.
Me: Exactly. I heard that.
Megan: How can you hear me if I didn't say anything?
Me: Because I have very good hearing.

The expression on her face was priceless.

Communication 101

I was sitting on my bed reading when Megan plopped herself down beside me. "Our lesson was on Communication in Young Women's today".

"how boring" (I tried to sound like a bored teenager) "Like, who needs to communicate with anyone"

"family" Megan protested

"families need to communicate?" I joked.

"yeah, that's how we roll"

?????????

So we proceeded to practice our communication (thanks to a game Anthony invented). For the next half hour we buried our faces in a pillow (proper technique includes sticking your derierre in the air) and yelled out random words while we each tried to guess what the other was saying.

Chef Andrew Scott

So yesterday the kids didn't have school. For lunch Andrew decided to make sandwiches. He slapped a very thin piece of ham between two slices of bread, lathered on the mustard (about an inch thick), and because he is not allowed to slice cheese with a knife, he grated some cheese on the sandwich as well. Then he carried it over to Jason and presented his gourmet meal for inspection.

"If you are wondering why there are two small bites, it's because I had to test it first".

And of course every good meal must be accompanied by the appropriate beverage. Andrew's included a tall glass of milk on the rocks.

Nothing to fear but fear itself....

So the lawn (what little we have) has needed to be mown. For a week now. And I've put it off because I haven't used a lawn mower since I lived in Kansas. What if it wouldn't start? What if I flooded the engine? All kinds of scenarios kept going through my mind. But finally I just decided to bite the bullet. And it started on my first try. It only took me 3 minutes but I mowed my lawn. I even know how to raise and lower the blade now. I think the sense of accomplishment I felt was greater than the actual task I accomplished but hey...at least now I know I can mow the lawn.

A Horrible Day

I came home from work today and asked my teenage daughter how her day was. "Horrible!" she wailed. "Why, What happened?" She marched up to me, pointed at her teeth, and demanded "Look!". I did and lo and behold there was the cutest little gap between her two front teeth.

A week ago the orthodontist put an expander in her mouth and she has faithfully been turning the screw twice a day. The gap in the front teeth however, was not something she signed on for. I'm tempted to show her the pictures of my sister after her jaw was broken and then the end result to reassure her that it will all turn out well. In the meantime, I've got a great Halloween Costume idea......

Rated PG-13

We just can’t seem to keep a family pet.

Two years ago Megan signed up to bring home a millipede from school for the summer. She researched how to care for it and built a home. It escaped and one of the boys later found it’s dried out carcass on the floor.

So this summer we went for pet #2. Jason was out doing yard work and he brought in a little fuzzy creature. It was distinctly colored – it looked just like those little droppings the birds leave on your windshield.



The family decided to adopt it and wanted to watch it turn into a beautiful butterfly.

But first our new family pet needed a name. A few suggestions were bandied around and the kids settled on …… Turd.

I know…I know! Kids! Just saying the name sounds ridiculous. But it gets worse: I’m sitting in my room minding my own business reading a book when I hear the door slam. Then I hear Andrew’s voice calling up the stairs. “Mom! Where’s Turd?! He escaped again!” It seems the intrepid little turd was climbing up the string of the window blinds. Later I heard Zach cooing to our family pet “You’re a good little turd. Yes you are!”

Sadly, Turd escaped one two many times and he was found not breathing. But do not fear. He received a burial in a most appropriate way. We flushed him down the toilet.

Dr Who?

Things are scary right now with possible Health Care Reform looming on the horizon and no place is more scary than California. Which is why Noah and Catherine brought their family to Arizona this weekend! It seems that several of their kids had some warts that needed to be looked at. So of course they came to a professional: Dr Jason Scott. His first patient was a very nervous looking Adam. Dr Scott pulled out a pumice stone and started buffing Adam’s ankle. All of the Doctor’s interns (Andrew, Anthony, Megan, Ashton, Chloe) gathered around “oohing” and “ahhing”. Then with a casual “This might hurt”-- very reminiscent of the dentist saying “you might feel a little pinch” before jabbing a needle into your mouth at which point you have a sudden desire to punch someone and wonder if you learned the wrong definition of pinch back in grade school and just what else did you learned incorrectly—But I digress. Dr Scott laid the instrument of torture against Adam’s newly buffed and shiny wart and there was a moment of expectant silence before his eyes widened and he let out a strangled “Ow!”. Immediately, the doctor’s assistants began shouting encouragement: “Count to Twenty! Squeeze Daddy’s hand! It’s almost over! Be Brave!” And then amazingly it was over. About 8 heads all bent over to examine the now frozen section of his ankle.

Next it was Chloe’s turn. She had a very small wart on a finger and condescended to allow the Dr to examine it. Since this was no longer a novel experience, the Dr’s interns stopped paying attention and started discussing more important things like whether it was too late to go to the park. Then suddenly Chloe was done and was hopping up and down “It’s getting smaller! It’s getting Smaller! It’s gone!” Then holding her finger aloft she announced “I’m going to go put my finger in water” and swept out of the room while her two faithful attendants (Andrew and Anthony) followed adoringly behind.

That left Ashton and the two warts on her feet. She was very reluctant and had to be taunted about Adam’s manliness and threatened with visions of her toe being amputated at a later date before she finally agreed. She started by soaking her foot in a pan of vinegar (which she said “felt weird”). Then Dr Scott again intoned the dreaded words “This might hurt” and laying the pumice stone to her toe began scrubbing furiously. She promptly started giggling. “Does it hurt?” Megan asked. “No, it feels weird, sort of like a rug burn” at which point all the adults snorted and said “You’ve obviously never had a real rug burn”. She continued to be ticklish until her wart was exposed. Then the propane was applied. Again nothing happened for the first few seconds. Then “wow, that’s cold” followed by “How long is 40 seconds?” and finally “ow, ow, ow”. Ashton put a pillow over her head and Megan curled up into a ball and buried her head in a pillow too because she couldn’t bear to watch. But finally, a long tense moment and a few tears later, it was all over.

We’re still waiting for the lab results to come back but you’ll all be relieved to know the prognosis is good.

Mmm Mmm Good!

Back in the old days (as my kids would say) we used to be able to come home for lunch during the school day. Mom had reached a stage where she was tired of cooking the same old things and was ready to experiment. I still remember some of the new recipes--many of which were surprisingly good. I remember pita bread with chicken, bean sprouts, and peaches of all things. At the tender age of 11 I couldn’t fathom that peaches and chicken would actually taste delicious together. Another combination I never would have considered was cheese and pineapple. Basic recipe: English Muffin with a pineapple slice and toasted cheese. Again, I was surprised at how good they tasted together.

But then again I also liked Bologna cooked in the microwave for 30 seconds. It would actually bubble up and form the shape of a toilet bowl plunger which the more I think about it, that image seems apropro. I actually cooked some bologna the other day in the microwave (I think I was trying to recapture my childhood) and it was disgusting!! I bet you didn't know that a stack of bologna when left behind the couch does not get moldy. It just gets hard as a rock. I know this because I have two boys.

So why am I suddenly remembering all of this? Well the kids have been home all summer and they are getting sick of the same old boring cold cereal and sandwiches that they eat day in and day out. They are also getting sick of the 110 degree weather. Megan Cosette (in keeping with her namesake) decided to experiment and figured she’d kill two birds with one stone.

The result? Cold cereal ice cubes!
The verdict? As tasty as micro-waved bologna!

Pure Machiavellian......

Megan has set a goal to read the dictionary: She wishes to improve her vocabulary so that she can be an excellent writer. Before you scoff, I should warn you that when Megan sets a goal she becomes very "Aurelian". This is a new vocabulary word (not yet in the dictionary). It means that if your older brothers and sisters can do it that you will do everything in your power to be able to do it sooner and better.

She frequently asks me about these new vocabulary words. Most recently, she asked me what Machiavellian means. Now I am the type of teacher who prefers to demostrate things rather than lecture. Many of you know that Jason has been looking for a job and sometimes I feel I need to provide extra motivation (always subtly though). I figured this would be a perfect opportunity to demonstrate Machiavellian strategies.

(Phase I) I started by showing Megan that she could find new songs to play on the violin besides the ones she learned in 6th grade. I opened the Children's songbook to "Follow The Prophet" (one of Jason's least favorite songs because of it's repetitive nature). Megan is of course a quick learner and a dedicated practicer. The following day Jason called me at work pleading with me to teach Megan something new. She'd been practicing for a full 45 minutes.

(Phase II) Andrew has also expressed an interest in learning to play the piano. I worked out a deal with him that he could start taking lessons when he starts 1st grade (one month). But first I figured I'd show him some basics. I sat him down and showed him Middle C and explained that he should practice finding Middle C and playing it. Naturally, Andrew practiced playing Middle C diligently for the next 10 minutes.

Did my Machiavellian tactics work? Jason called me yesterday to let me know he was on his way to a job interview.........